comprende'??

Its 18th of may..2009...
Its 5.22 in th morning...my semester exams are on…i have an archi graphics exam today…to clear..and maybe even score well in.who knows…and who knows what I am doing here??
I have been up all night…like many other nights...with a wee lil difference..
I have been crying for the past four hours…I don’t know why…
all I know is at some point..i wanted 2 say , ‘im losing all my sanity..can u du sumthing about it plz..???’..and not just to the darknes..
I had me cell handy.. and no one I could say this to..
And I wonder what took me all this whyl...all of my 18 yrs to realize th solitude…this crushing claustrophobic all-assuming sense of being left alone...of having lost it all…in my game of growin up..
2008
Its gotta be my most memorable year ever..the yr I was born….the year I was reincarnated…the year that made me…
In january..
I lost a friend…maybe THE friend...and we had only been talking about a mechanics test…the competition tht we had was never that apparent…I had always taken her to be one f my closest friends.and then….it was all a matter of grades..
February..
On one hand I was trying to handle the pressure of realizing the image I had built in th mynd of sumone who I thought was special…dealing with accusations more lowly than one can imagine...and most perfectly placed by a connoisseur…hats off to whoever pulled the trick...with practiced n eerie perfection…i hope it made you happy...whoever u are...
And sreya and ananya..I know u wanted to give me courage...i know you wanted to put me back in shape… but instead of all the scorn at me state of heartbreak..maybe a shoulder when I needed to cry would have been more welcome… but thanks for supporting me in ur own ways nevertheless...im hapi to say that so far...I have you...to love and to cherish til death do us apart…yes...we swore it on ayaan ali khaan’s pic…unbreakable stuff that…‼
March..
fynding and losing priyobroto…u wer a good friend though not th best..one that kept me up as well as caffeine did b4 jee…distracted me lots...but u made me forget a lot of things when u talked away ur usual amt of trash…but we should have kept our frndship under control I guess...I don’t blame her one bit for getting it wrong….and thank her…for pointing out she was unhapi abt it…no regrets that I stopped talking to u then and there…just wish I could have said a proper goodbye...made a full circle…and im soryy if I had any part 2 play in ur breakup…sreya says not…
April..
the final fight with mum and dad..
im grateful to u guys for all u have ever done and r doing for me still…bt I cant force myself to love you anymore…wev grown way too distant.
il be there...mum…when u need to complain bout hospital authorities..and when u need someone to design u a new pendant….but only physically...I know I need you as much as u need me…but I wont compromise with my ego forever...
and dad...im sorry I let u down...im sorry I couldn’t wear salwar kameez….be your dream daughter with a sound knowledge of robins and cotran ...is that why u stopped calling me ur ‘ellephhant’’ ??.. is that why u ask me how I am only when I hav a fever or stomachache?? ..Is that why in the entire last week all u said to me was to download the latest edition oxford handbook f medicine for u from iso-hunt??..
il never say this to you..but I miss you like hell…n I do wish we cud b frndz again..
…And so forth.
Till july.
..the momentous moments…College...the prestigious world of j.u engineering ..hallowed grounds‼!
And by day 4 I had made all headlines….and I never even knew it as I lay in bed..unconscious for 15 hrs straight…dada going berserk...mum and dad waiting...praying and hoping...and the car all ready to rush me to the i.c.u….thank gawd that wasn’t needed…
I was so happi when I realizd id live. Lolz..its a funny feeling.and hope u don’t get what I mean .for ur sake…
And all f a sudden I was the villain the dept..i still am to sum extent I guess…
‘which decent girl would push charges about sexual abuse and ragging??’ said she(so sux when girls go chauvinistic….)
Which decent girl wouldn’t??..and I would do it a hundred times over again lady...I am hapi that it happened.cos it’s the last tym it happened in our dept I think..
Nua I think I owe an apology…to most f th people (not all) who got fined and punished due to it all…but I think u shud know…that there wer three names only that I mentioned…n we all make mistakes..maybe they shudnt hav been named...maybe they shud hav been forgiven by th authorities….but trust me….when ur dad makes u eat 8 tablets of activated charcoal to get all that raw nicotine out f u and puts u to bed saying that u may not wake up next morning….all humanity leaves you….and u wud have ripped ther guts out if u wer me…
Back to college to stunned people who never expected u back...
miss leo..
felt good...felt bad….felt weird when they stared.
Back To the skeptical teachers...testing u evry moment….with eyes you can feel on your neck when u pour down over your imperial sheet..
And the struggle to win them over...some success...some failure…and some stubborn ambitions stil remain…
The rest f the faculty remained neutral..or maybe even supportive…
But i can still feel them trying to judge me when they talk to me….’’y did it happen to her…??’’
Providence??? Naah…I think it was self respect…not recommended these days…
And that chapter ended…like an o henri story…with a new twist each tym u read it…
But peace evades….
What am I supposed to say when sumone says ‘hi’?? go eff?? is that what I shud be retorting??...is politenss really that cliché these days?? thats wat they seem to think…when instead I say ‘ heyy’ in return…and call me names behind my back…
It’s a closed network guys…it all gets to me…and what can I say??.. rejection must hurt….and when rejected…who can be frank and say ‘’she said no..’’..its always ‘’I left her..the slut!’’..i understand..and I sympathize with u…I never meant to give u ppl wrong signals…and let this ‘about me’ b another f my infinite attempts to say..please don’t try to ‘chhok’’ me…im so not ready for this…
Sumtyms I want 2 answer them and not just laugh when they ask me why I choose to be single..wudnt they be surpryzd‼! wud they even bliv me??
Never.. thatd be another one f my jokes…cos parshati cannot be sad…parshati cannot be serios…parshati is always the little miss sunshyn..
the one u call whenever ur down…the one u blame stuff on when everything goes wrong..the one u expect to always be there..
Laughing and joking…at everything u say…everything u do…or don’t do…not particularly helpful…but sumwhat elevating…
Sometyms I take it as a compliment…most of the tym…i feel proud that I can cover it up so well…
But I have my blues…
I stand for hours at the window when it rains…remembering the nyt ages back when I had danced a jig n the dark alley …cos f a single text…from a single sumbody…
I have an intense pain…when my friends talk bout ther parents and what they do…together..
I stay depressed for hours when a new rumor hits me…about my supposed date that evening by dhakuria lake when ive been at home finishing up my assignments…
And yet…I fake..
Im fakin my smile…
im faking to not understand all negative intentions from shady characters…
im faking to be receptive to more sorrow…
faking courage…
faking to not miss you..
faking to not care that nobody seems to care ..
faking to not have an instinct..to cry out loud….To be able to sob without the camouflage of night and an empty room…
writing my heart out…in the silence f the morning….
Faking to feel that this is going to help…