There's an encapsulating tender warmth..
Fluid, translucent, unnervingly secure..
Like the days were before the first..
And a sense of acceptance..
In the cracking earth and the wilting petals..
And smiling a smile of sorrowful triumph..
The lethargy of the noon siesta diffuses in..
To every gulmohar leaf..to every flower it sheds...
As they hit the ground with ripples of stillness..
Unpadded silence...
Broken not even by a sigh..breaking not a heart..
As the red clouds blow past..
Promising rain...Elsewhere..
And there is a patient bliss in solitude...
In anticipating loss..
And in learning..
That desire has long since been occluded...
In love...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
................Conflict Theory
Like the icy blue ocean is calm with the breaking waves,
Like the olive grove is silent with the crackling cicadas,
Like the call of the cockerel intensifies the morning mist….
I lie down…
The complexity of it all baffles me. ..
The dangerous beauty lurking in those curves,
The age old game of persuasion,
The cold rebuff at my every attempt at familiarity,
The stimulating clashes on a regular basis……
My trying to love you is apparent..
Your hatred for me more evident still…
Yet why don’t you leave me?
Or I you?
I wonder….
The turmoil in my mind plays a sweet lullaby,
And lulls me to an untimely siesta..
Every time I try to sort things out with you,
Comes lovely, lucidly, laconical lyad…
Every single time that I try to integrate..‼
Monday, May 18, 2009
summertym summarised!!
Id written this thing last summer actually…so it’s a good deal condescending and mean at places…n immature...bt guess its honest…just felt it shud be here…
Here goes….
It was the fourth day that week that I had got up in a pool of sweat thanks to the continuous power cuts. To add to the discomfort, my brother had opened the windows and drawn the curtains to tempt in an elusive breeze so that I could sleep in peace. It was done I suppose with good intentions. But considering that the sun was on my face and the breeze was a loo, I overlooked his generosity and started the morning with a fiery row with my sibling. Further arguments followed in the breakfast table over who's turn it was to butter the toast and the next thing I know everyone was screaming at everyone else.
One week of summer vacation, one week of being cooped up at home with each other had clearly tired us of our company .
Desperate to get away from here I decided that I would indeed go to the physics class that I had decided to bunk earlier hell even the prospect of a test was better than this‼. So off I went to Jadavpur, thoroughly unprepared for a test that S.B Sir had warned us was to be of high difficulty level.
‘’Oooh sir‼! IIT level??’’..had been the unanimous reaction from the muggers. Dork solidarity I had mumbled!
I scored accordingly.True,I didn't get minus 2 like some people, but I didn't get the highest of 114 or anything close to that either.
I wasn't too disappointed or anything. Obviously. But when the marks were being called out the brilliant (only academically, mind you) girls at the front started sniggering at my score. Now these people I feel are really dim. 130 IQs all of them I bet. I mean, come on, what kind of a teenager is part of a "Wannabe Engineers" community in Orkut? So usually I pity them.
But this was too much!
What had I to do but point out that most of them had whiskers and had to memorize conversations in order to seem even remotely human to the public. That got the glares and the laughter I had intended it to get. Still I guess it was a mean thing to do and God punished me by keeping me standing in the sun for half an hour before I got my bus.
He always remembers the punishments..never the prizes. Did mum ever have a sibling that she d lost when she went to Kumbhmela as a kid? This could be him!
But then I wondered. .. where was I going back? Home? You mean that place where the worst tempered people live? No way I decided. I had allowed them to boss me enough to last me a lifetime in the last few days. But not today .
Today I was going to have some fun.I was not going back home so early.
I called up a friend who had a few days earlier tried to set me up on a blind date with his friend.Was the guy still interested? Could he make it to CityCentre? Now?
Various degrees of joblessness. He was and he could.
I should have taken the eagerness as a sign of desperation. But the fool that I am...
So we met at CC and having bought ourselves some Tropical Sno (Emmagod…25 bucks for one cup of snow?) sat down on the steps.
Here I had a good look of him. He somewhat resembled a mouse with big ears and a squeaky voice.I was just wondering if he'd be scared if I said "Meaow" when he said in this supremely imperious voice,
"Tell me about yourself."
I blah blahed on for a while thinking if this was a job interview. Once I had shut up there was a silence. It was after a few seconds that I realized I was expected to ask back the same questions.
I did.
"What to say? When-Im-good-Im-good-when-Im-bad-Im-better "he said. Or did he actually recite it?
"That sounds interesting".(Could you have been more cliched?)
"I think we shall be good friends."
"I feel the same" (You?and I?LOL)
"Arent you glad we met?"
I tried to smile but bared my fangs in the deal instead. He wasnt scared.
And thus went the conversation, interspersed with painfully awkward gaps. I wasnt being too helpful really! The heat, the lethargy and the lack of motives overpowered me.
Slowly the steps began to fill up with couples looking abstract with happiness. And here I was stuck with Jerry mouse. My only source of a rather vindictive pleasure was when now and then a model looking girl walked down the steps through the crowd making the male part gawk and the female sulk and make their evening as bad as mine in the fights that ensued.
But then this really gorgeous girl walked past in a white chifffon dress. God she was so thin !! The Dark Desire in my hand grew tasteless and I threw it away.regretted it moments later.
Maybe Jerry wouldn’t have been too shocked at his date rummaging the bin. Rats do that.
I turned to back to him with a sigh, wishing that I would get anorexia now and wishing he would say goodbye. But he was goin on and on about this particularly prickly bangla band. Personally I think their drummer sounds like a dhobi with his washing..but who listened??
I was just considering going down for an icecream and not coming back when I struck a better idea.
There was this strange lady coming up the steps.
"Mom", I jumped, “Sorry. I gotta go. She’ll kill me if she sees me here"
A hasty goodbye and I scampered down the steps. A free chicken!
"Hey when do we meet again?" he shouted
"Can’t you guess?" and I was away.
I returned home mentally abusing my friend all the way for setting me up with this guy. Then the rickshaw demanded 50 bucks. Total rip-off. But I was too frustrated to care really.
Back home the AC had started working again. It had cooled people down, it seemed because as I sank into the bed after my long long looong day, bro came up with a bowl of fruits. Maybe he needs money, I guessed as I took a mouthful.
I gasped.
"Three hundred", bro said softly.
‘Middle pocket. Third chain.’’ I handed him the tote and dug in.
This was so much better than the fun I had been searching for all day out in the scorching sun. And these had been on the topshelf of the refrigerator all this while.
The blesssing of summer……Mangoes.
Nirvana.
Here goes….
It was the fourth day that week that I had got up in a pool of sweat thanks to the continuous power cuts. To add to the discomfort, my brother had opened the windows and drawn the curtains to tempt in an elusive breeze so that I could sleep in peace. It was done I suppose with good intentions. But considering that the sun was on my face and the breeze was a loo, I overlooked his generosity and started the morning with a fiery row with my sibling. Further arguments followed in the breakfast table over who's turn it was to butter the toast and the next thing I know everyone was screaming at everyone else.
One week of summer vacation, one week of being cooped up at home with each other had clearly tired us of our company .
Desperate to get away from here I decided that I would indeed go to the physics class that I had decided to bunk earlier hell even the prospect of a test was better than this‼. So off I went to Jadavpur, thoroughly unprepared for a test that S.B Sir had warned us was to be of high difficulty level.
‘’Oooh sir‼! IIT level??’’..had been the unanimous reaction from the muggers. Dork solidarity I had mumbled!
I scored accordingly.True,I didn't get minus 2 like some people, but I didn't get the highest of 114 or anything close to that either.
I wasn't too disappointed or anything. Obviously. But when the marks were being called out the brilliant (only academically, mind you) girls at the front started sniggering at my score. Now these people I feel are really dim. 130 IQs all of them I bet. I mean, come on, what kind of a teenager is part of a "Wannabe Engineers" community in Orkut? So usually I pity them.
But this was too much!
What had I to do but point out that most of them had whiskers and had to memorize conversations in order to seem even remotely human to the public. That got the glares and the laughter I had intended it to get. Still I guess it was a mean thing to do and God punished me by keeping me standing in the sun for half an hour before I got my bus.
He always remembers the punishments..never the prizes. Did mum ever have a sibling that she d lost when she went to Kumbhmela as a kid? This could be him!
But then I wondered. .. where was I going back? Home? You mean that place where the worst tempered people live? No way I decided. I had allowed them to boss me enough to last me a lifetime in the last few days. But not today .
Today I was going to have some fun.I was not going back home so early.
I called up a friend who had a few days earlier tried to set me up on a blind date with his friend.Was the guy still interested? Could he make it to CityCentre? Now?
Various degrees of joblessness. He was and he could.
I should have taken the eagerness as a sign of desperation. But the fool that I am...
So we met at CC and having bought ourselves some Tropical Sno (Emmagod…25 bucks for one cup of snow?) sat down on the steps.
Here I had a good look of him. He somewhat resembled a mouse with big ears and a squeaky voice.I was just wondering if he'd be scared if I said "Meaow" when he said in this supremely imperious voice,
"Tell me about yourself."
I blah blahed on for a while thinking if this was a job interview. Once I had shut up there was a silence. It was after a few seconds that I realized I was expected to ask back the same questions.
I did.
"What to say? When-Im-good-Im-good-when-Im-bad-Im-better "he said. Or did he actually recite it?
"That sounds interesting".(Could you have been more cliched?)
"I think we shall be good friends."
"I feel the same" (You?and I?LOL)
"Arent you glad we met?"
I tried to smile but bared my fangs in the deal instead. He wasnt scared.
And thus went the conversation, interspersed with painfully awkward gaps. I wasnt being too helpful really! The heat, the lethargy and the lack of motives overpowered me.
Slowly the steps began to fill up with couples looking abstract with happiness. And here I was stuck with Jerry mouse. My only source of a rather vindictive pleasure was when now and then a model looking girl walked down the steps through the crowd making the male part gawk and the female sulk and make their evening as bad as mine in the fights that ensued.
But then this really gorgeous girl walked past in a white chifffon dress. God she was so thin !! The Dark Desire in my hand grew tasteless and I threw it away.regretted it moments later.
Maybe Jerry wouldn’t have been too shocked at his date rummaging the bin. Rats do that.
I turned to back to him with a sigh, wishing that I would get anorexia now and wishing he would say goodbye. But he was goin on and on about this particularly prickly bangla band. Personally I think their drummer sounds like a dhobi with his washing..but who listened??
I was just considering going down for an icecream and not coming back when I struck a better idea.
There was this strange lady coming up the steps.
"Mom", I jumped, “Sorry. I gotta go. She’ll kill me if she sees me here"
A hasty goodbye and I scampered down the steps. A free chicken!
"Hey when do we meet again?" he shouted
"Can’t you guess?" and I was away.
I returned home mentally abusing my friend all the way for setting me up with this guy. Then the rickshaw demanded 50 bucks. Total rip-off. But I was too frustrated to care really.
Back home the AC had started working again. It had cooled people down, it seemed because as I sank into the bed after my long long looong day, bro came up with a bowl of fruits. Maybe he needs money, I guessed as I took a mouthful.
I gasped.
"Three hundred", bro said softly.
‘Middle pocket. Third chain.’’ I handed him the tote and dug in.
This was so much better than the fun I had been searching for all day out in the scorching sun. And these had been on the topshelf of the refrigerator all this while.
The blesssing of summer……Mangoes.
Nirvana.
MCQ(+1,-4)
There were cries…that escaped to make silence more opaque…
When the golden smell from the sunflowers made the lone bee dizzy…
When tea went cold...
And the red dog smiled at the car lamp…spellbound...
When Khayyam beckoned…his Saki lost but his cup half full…
When the weave of the carpet turned a hundred-n-eighteen years old...
And nobody celebrated…
When the million things that should have happened didn’t happen…
The gecko on the wall was witness as was I…and I never testified...
Turned back and walked on . . . to the point where all lines begin…
That is...where all lines meet…
But the line of thought…
Needing the time. . Needing the space…
That wears denim to blue nothingness…
To choose…
Am I a face? Or am I the crowd?
Am I who I was? Who I am?
Or who I wanted to be?
Should I kill my music...?
To make out the wise words that struggle to come through...
Should I burn? Should I cry?
Should I smile? Should I die?
Dare I live?
Or perhaps…just let the storm brew…?
When the golden smell from the sunflowers made the lone bee dizzy…
When tea went cold...
And the red dog smiled at the car lamp…spellbound...
When Khayyam beckoned…his Saki lost but his cup half full…
When the weave of the carpet turned a hundred-n-eighteen years old...
And nobody celebrated…
When the million things that should have happened didn’t happen…
The gecko on the wall was witness as was I…and I never testified...
Turned back and walked on . . . to the point where all lines begin…
That is...where all lines meet…
But the line of thought…
Needing the time. . Needing the space…
That wears denim to blue nothingness…
To choose…
Am I a face? Or am I the crowd?
Am I who I was? Who I am?
Or who I wanted to be?
Should I kill my music...?
To make out the wise words that struggle to come through...
Should I burn? Should I cry?
Should I smile? Should I die?
Dare I live?
Or perhaps…just let the storm brew…?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
comprende'??
Its 18th of may..2009...
Its 5.22 in th morning...my semester exams are on…i have an archi graphics exam today…to clear..and maybe even score well in.who knows…and who knows what I am doing here??
I have been up all night…like many other nights...with a wee lil difference..
I have been crying for the past four hours…I don’t know why…
all I know is at some point..i wanted 2 say , ‘im losing all my sanity..can u du sumthing about it plz..???’..and not just to the darknes..
I had me cell handy.. and no one I could say this to..
And I wonder what took me all this whyl...all of my 18 yrs to realize th solitude…this crushing claustrophobic all-assuming sense of being left alone...of having lost it all…in my game of growin up..
2008
Its gotta be my most memorable year ever..the yr I was born….the year I was reincarnated…the year that made me…
In january..
I lost a friend…maybe THE friend...and we had only been talking about a mechanics test…the competition tht we had was never that apparent…I had always taken her to be one f my closest friends.and then….it was all a matter of grades..
February..
On one hand I was trying to handle the pressure of realizing the image I had built in th mynd of sumone who I thought was special…dealing with accusations more lowly than one can imagine...and most perfectly placed by a connoisseur…hats off to whoever pulled the trick...with practiced n eerie perfection…i hope it made you happy...whoever u are...
And sreya and ananya..I know u wanted to give me courage...i know you wanted to put me back in shape… but instead of all the scorn at me state of heartbreak..maybe a shoulder when I needed to cry would have been more welcome… but thanks for supporting me in ur own ways nevertheless...im hapi to say that so far...I have you...to love and to cherish til death do us apart…yes...we swore it on ayaan ali khaan’s pic…unbreakable stuff that…‼
March..
fynding and losing priyobroto…u wer a good friend though not th best..one that kept me up as well as caffeine did b4 jee…distracted me lots...but u made me forget a lot of things when u talked away ur usual amt of trash…but we should have kept our frndship under control I guess...I don’t blame her one bit for getting it wrong….and thank her…for pointing out she was unhapi abt it…no regrets that I stopped talking to u then and there…just wish I could have said a proper goodbye...made a full circle…and im soryy if I had any part 2 play in ur breakup…sreya says not…
April..
the final fight with mum and dad..
im grateful to u guys for all u have ever done and r doing for me still…bt I cant force myself to love you anymore…wev grown way too distant.
il be there...mum…when u need to complain bout hospital authorities..and when u need someone to design u a new pendant….but only physically...I know I need you as much as u need me…but I wont compromise with my ego forever...
and dad...im sorry I let u down...im sorry I couldn’t wear salwar kameez….be your dream daughter with a sound knowledge of robins and cotran ...is that why u stopped calling me ur ‘ellephhant’’ ??.. is that why u ask me how I am only when I hav a fever or stomachache?? ..Is that why in the entire last week all u said to me was to download the latest edition oxford handbook f medicine for u from iso-hunt??..
il never say this to you..but I miss you like hell…n I do wish we cud b frndz again..
…And so forth.
Till july.
..the momentous moments…College...the prestigious world of j.u engineering ..hallowed grounds‼!
And by day 4 I had made all headlines….and I never even knew it as I lay in bed..unconscious for 15 hrs straight…dada going berserk...mum and dad waiting...praying and hoping...and the car all ready to rush me to the i.c.u….thank gawd that wasn’t needed…
I was so happi when I realizd id live. Lolz..its a funny feeling.and hope u don’t get what I mean .for ur sake…
And all f a sudden I was the villain the dept..i still am to sum extent I guess…
‘which decent girl would push charges about sexual abuse and ragging??’ said she(so sux when girls go chauvinistic….)
Which decent girl wouldn’t??..and I would do it a hundred times over again lady...I am hapi that it happened.cos it’s the last tym it happened in our dept I think..
Nua I think I owe an apology…to most f th people (not all) who got fined and punished due to it all…but I think u shud know…that there wer three names only that I mentioned…n we all make mistakes..maybe they shudnt hav been named...maybe they shud hav been forgiven by th authorities….but trust me….when ur dad makes u eat 8 tablets of activated charcoal to get all that raw nicotine out f u and puts u to bed saying that u may not wake up next morning….all humanity leaves you….and u wud have ripped ther guts out if u wer me…
Back to college to stunned people who never expected u back...
miss leo..
felt good...felt bad….felt weird when they stared.
Back To the skeptical teachers...testing u evry moment….with eyes you can feel on your neck when u pour down over your imperial sheet..
And the struggle to win them over...some success...some failure…and some stubborn ambitions stil remain…
The rest f the faculty remained neutral..or maybe even supportive…
But i can still feel them trying to judge me when they talk to me….’’y did it happen to her…??’’
Providence??? Naah…I think it was self respect…not recommended these days…
And that chapter ended…like an o henri story…with a new twist each tym u read it…
But peace evades….
What am I supposed to say when sumone says ‘hi’?? go eff?? is that what I shud be retorting??...is politenss really that cliché these days?? thats wat they seem to think…when instead I say ‘ heyy’ in return…and call me names behind my back…
It’s a closed network guys…it all gets to me…and what can I say??.. rejection must hurt….and when rejected…who can be frank and say ‘’she said no..’’..its always ‘’I left her..the slut!’’..i understand..and I sympathize with u…I never meant to give u ppl wrong signals…and let this ‘about me’ b another f my infinite attempts to say..please don’t try to ‘chhok’’ me…im so not ready for this…
Sumtyms I want 2 answer them and not just laugh when they ask me why I choose to be single..wudnt they be surpryzd‼! wud they even bliv me??
Never.. thatd be another one f my jokes…cos parshati cannot be sad…parshati cannot be serios…parshati is always the little miss sunshyn..
the one u call whenever ur down…the one u blame stuff on when everything goes wrong..the one u expect to always be there..
Laughing and joking…at everything u say…everything u do…or don’t do…not particularly helpful…but sumwhat elevating…
Sometyms I take it as a compliment…most of the tym…i feel proud that I can cover it up so well…
But I have my blues…
I stand for hours at the window when it rains…remembering the nyt ages back when I had danced a jig n the dark alley …cos f a single text…from a single sumbody…
I have an intense pain…when my friends talk bout ther parents and what they do…together..
I stay depressed for hours when a new rumor hits me…about my supposed date that evening by dhakuria lake when ive been at home finishing up my assignments…
And yet…I fake..
Im fakin my smile…
im faking to not understand all negative intentions from shady characters…
im faking to be receptive to more sorrow…
faking courage…
faking to not miss you..
faking to not care that nobody seems to care ..
faking to not have an instinct..to cry out loud….To be able to sob without the camouflage of night and an empty room…
writing my heart out…in the silence f the morning….
Faking to feel that this is going to help…
Its 5.22 in th morning...my semester exams are on…i have an archi graphics exam today…to clear..and maybe even score well in.who knows…and who knows what I am doing here??
I have been up all night…like many other nights...with a wee lil difference..
I have been crying for the past four hours…I don’t know why…
all I know is at some point..i wanted 2 say , ‘im losing all my sanity..can u du sumthing about it plz..???’..and not just to the darknes..
I had me cell handy.. and no one I could say this to..
And I wonder what took me all this whyl...all of my 18 yrs to realize th solitude…this crushing claustrophobic all-assuming sense of being left alone...of having lost it all…in my game of growin up..
2008
Its gotta be my most memorable year ever..the yr I was born….the year I was reincarnated…the year that made me…
In january..
I lost a friend…maybe THE friend...and we had only been talking about a mechanics test…the competition tht we had was never that apparent…I had always taken her to be one f my closest friends.and then….it was all a matter of grades..
February..
On one hand I was trying to handle the pressure of realizing the image I had built in th mynd of sumone who I thought was special…dealing with accusations more lowly than one can imagine...and most perfectly placed by a connoisseur…hats off to whoever pulled the trick...with practiced n eerie perfection…i hope it made you happy...whoever u are...
And sreya and ananya..I know u wanted to give me courage...i know you wanted to put me back in shape… but instead of all the scorn at me state of heartbreak..maybe a shoulder when I needed to cry would have been more welcome… but thanks for supporting me in ur own ways nevertheless...im hapi to say that so far...I have you...to love and to cherish til death do us apart…yes...we swore it on ayaan ali khaan’s pic…unbreakable stuff that…‼
March..
fynding and losing priyobroto…u wer a good friend though not th best..one that kept me up as well as caffeine did b4 jee…distracted me lots...but u made me forget a lot of things when u talked away ur usual amt of trash…but we should have kept our frndship under control I guess...I don’t blame her one bit for getting it wrong….and thank her…for pointing out she was unhapi abt it…no regrets that I stopped talking to u then and there…just wish I could have said a proper goodbye...made a full circle…and im soryy if I had any part 2 play in ur breakup…sreya says not…
April..
the final fight with mum and dad..
im grateful to u guys for all u have ever done and r doing for me still…bt I cant force myself to love you anymore…wev grown way too distant.
il be there...mum…when u need to complain bout hospital authorities..and when u need someone to design u a new pendant….but only physically...I know I need you as much as u need me…but I wont compromise with my ego forever...
and dad...im sorry I let u down...im sorry I couldn’t wear salwar kameez….be your dream daughter with a sound knowledge of robins and cotran ...is that why u stopped calling me ur ‘ellephhant’’ ??.. is that why u ask me how I am only when I hav a fever or stomachache?? ..Is that why in the entire last week all u said to me was to download the latest edition oxford handbook f medicine for u from iso-hunt??..
il never say this to you..but I miss you like hell…n I do wish we cud b frndz again..
…And so forth.
Till july.
..the momentous moments…College...the prestigious world of j.u engineering ..hallowed grounds‼!
And by day 4 I had made all headlines….and I never even knew it as I lay in bed..unconscious for 15 hrs straight…dada going berserk...mum and dad waiting...praying and hoping...and the car all ready to rush me to the i.c.u….thank gawd that wasn’t needed…
I was so happi when I realizd id live. Lolz..its a funny feeling.and hope u don’t get what I mean .for ur sake…
And all f a sudden I was the villain the dept..i still am to sum extent I guess…
‘which decent girl would push charges about sexual abuse and ragging??’ said she(so sux when girls go chauvinistic….)
Which decent girl wouldn’t??..and I would do it a hundred times over again lady...I am hapi that it happened.cos it’s the last tym it happened in our dept I think..
Nua I think I owe an apology…to most f th people (not all) who got fined and punished due to it all…but I think u shud know…that there wer three names only that I mentioned…n we all make mistakes..maybe they shudnt hav been named...maybe they shud hav been forgiven by th authorities….but trust me….when ur dad makes u eat 8 tablets of activated charcoal to get all that raw nicotine out f u and puts u to bed saying that u may not wake up next morning….all humanity leaves you….and u wud have ripped ther guts out if u wer me…
Back to college to stunned people who never expected u back...
miss leo..
felt good...felt bad….felt weird when they stared.
Back To the skeptical teachers...testing u evry moment….with eyes you can feel on your neck when u pour down over your imperial sheet..
And the struggle to win them over...some success...some failure…and some stubborn ambitions stil remain…
The rest f the faculty remained neutral..or maybe even supportive…
But i can still feel them trying to judge me when they talk to me….’’y did it happen to her…??’’
Providence??? Naah…I think it was self respect…not recommended these days…
And that chapter ended…like an o henri story…with a new twist each tym u read it…
But peace evades….
What am I supposed to say when sumone says ‘hi’?? go eff?? is that what I shud be retorting??...is politenss really that cliché these days?? thats wat they seem to think…when instead I say ‘ heyy’ in return…and call me names behind my back…
It’s a closed network guys…it all gets to me…and what can I say??.. rejection must hurt….and when rejected…who can be frank and say ‘’she said no..’’..its always ‘’I left her..the slut!’’..i understand..and I sympathize with u…I never meant to give u ppl wrong signals…and let this ‘about me’ b another f my infinite attempts to say..please don’t try to ‘chhok’’ me…im so not ready for this…
Sumtyms I want 2 answer them and not just laugh when they ask me why I choose to be single..wudnt they be surpryzd‼! wud they even bliv me??
Never.. thatd be another one f my jokes…cos parshati cannot be sad…parshati cannot be serios…parshati is always the little miss sunshyn..
the one u call whenever ur down…the one u blame stuff on when everything goes wrong..the one u expect to always be there..
Laughing and joking…at everything u say…everything u do…or don’t do…not particularly helpful…but sumwhat elevating…
Sometyms I take it as a compliment…most of the tym…i feel proud that I can cover it up so well…
But I have my blues…
I stand for hours at the window when it rains…remembering the nyt ages back when I had danced a jig n the dark alley …cos f a single text…from a single sumbody…
I have an intense pain…when my friends talk bout ther parents and what they do…together..
I stay depressed for hours when a new rumor hits me…about my supposed date that evening by dhakuria lake when ive been at home finishing up my assignments…
And yet…I fake..
Im fakin my smile…
im faking to not understand all negative intentions from shady characters…
im faking to be receptive to more sorrow…
faking courage…
faking to not miss you..
faking to not care that nobody seems to care ..
faking to not have an instinct..to cry out loud….To be able to sob without the camouflage of night and an empty room…
writing my heart out…in the silence f the morning….
Faking to feel that this is going to help…
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